Living in Fear

I’ve been getting a lot of calls and emails from friends and family outside the DC area (mostly in New York/New England) asking how we are doing amid all of this Sniper business.

The bottom line is that it’s scary. I have friends who are quite blas about the whole thing and view this as “so random the odds of it being me are too small to consider” which is an attitude I would have held a few years ago. I’ve tried to understand why this has changed for me and I keep cominng back to Jack.

As near as I can understand it, being a parent changes your entire outlook. Before Jack I could easily just say “Yeah, whatever” and go fill up the tank. But it’s no longer just about me. In addition to my fear for Jack’s or Ann’s safety, there’s a different dimension: I don’t want to deprive Jack of having a father. I never had one and I do not want him to experience that. I’m not saying I wish I had a father, I’m pretty happy with who I am and who I am is based on where I came from. And I know that I were not around, Jack would still turn out just fine. But I also know how he feels about me and relies on me. I know how he cries every morning when I get out of the car at the bus stop and how happy he is when I come home at night. I can’t imagine what it would be like for him if I left.

And so, I have a different view of life and death. I’m no longer willing to take chances. And, as a result, things like this really do get to me.

We’re living in fear and it’s no fun. The sooner they catch this idiot, the better.

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